


Elementary, My Dear Dovahkiin

by TheMulletWhisperer



Category: Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Arkved Holmes, Detectives, F/M, Haunted Houses, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Investigations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 04:50:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7208492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMulletWhisperer/pseuds/TheMulletWhisperer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Odd noises coming from a house nearby...whatever have Arkved and Galina gotten into?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Elementary, My Dear Dovahkiin

**Author's Note:**

> For more context as to what this is, go check out Pajama Party by Imdex! 
> 
> Ondolemar a.k.a the Cat and Liya a.k.a the Bunny belong to SoftlyTea!

Poor, naive Galina was sitting in front of the fireplace, sunk low in the felt chair with her hood pulled down far over her eyes,  _ definitely _ not sleeping when she was supposed to be working on compiling documents for the Residuum. Little did she know, her life was about to be forever changed.

Arkved burst through the door with a jaunty brimmed hat that was worn more on the side of his head than the top, “Galina, I’ve…” The Altmer looked down at the not-sleeping Nord when she didn’t respond, approaching her and giving her a shake. “Galina!”

With a jolt, the woman awoke, sitting upright in her chair and letting her hood fall back. “Bwuh, cabbage!” She shouted completely nonsensically before blinking, calming down, and turning to look up at Arkved with a curious glance. “I mean...heeeey there. What’s…” She quickly went back to being confused, furrowing her brow at him, “What’s with the hat? And the coat?” She gestured to the odd attire of the Altmer.

Straightening up, Arkved tugged on the hems of his coat, “I have a case!”

With a rather deadpan look and tone, Galina responded, “A case.”

“Yes!”

They both remained silent as Galina tried to comprehend what he was on about, and he waited patiently for her to respond. It was almost a minute of silence before Galina finally broke it, “What case?”

“Well…” Arkved pulled a mahogany pipe out of his coat and stuck it between his lips, though he didn’t light it. “I was doing some sleuthing in Falkreath and…”

“Sleuthing?”

“Sleuthing.”

“Right...continue.”

“As I was  _ saying _ , I was doing some sleuthing in Falkreath, in the tavern in particular, and I overheard some of the patrons talking about word they’d heard from a traveller, a nearby abandoned cottage in the woods had  _ apparently _ been emitting strange noises, what they described as…” He pulled out a notepad from his coat and began flipping through it. From what she could see, the pages were filled with doodles, half-finished shopping lists, weird drawings of what looked like a horse, and on one particular page the word “Cabbage” written over and over in varying sizes. However, she turned her attention back to him when he began talking, “Ah! Screams, moans, and groans.” Looking as if he’d said everything he needed to, he looked up at her with a pleased smirk.

And yet she stared blankly at him. How could he  _ not _ know...oh well, she’d humor him for now. What could go wrong. “So...weird noises? Is that it?”

“Wh--what do you mean is that it?!  _ Obviously _ it is haunted!”

…

“Haunted.”

“Haunted!”

“...Haunted.”

“Haunted!”

“ _ Haunted?” _

“Yes, haunted!” 

“But it’s..but...gods, Arkved.” She put on a mock worried tone that was laden with sarcasm, “Oh no, this is  _ horrible _ ! We should get the town guards  _ immediately _ or else something bad might happen!”

It seemed the sarcasm flew right over Arkved’s head, “No no no! No guards, they have to go through beaveraucracy!”

“Beaver...aucracy?”

“Yes! You know, the thing with the politicians and the generals and the Blue Process and everything.”

“I...I don’t even know where to start.”

“Well I do! Come on! I know where the cottage is!”

“Wait!”

“Come on!”

By the time Galina had gone to protest further, he’d already disappeared out the door. In interest of protecting him, she grabbed her barbed blade and took off after the Altmer that, for once, seemed to be capable of running faster than her.

It wasn’t long before the both of them arrived at the cabin. The place certainly looked abandoned, but not run down in any sense of the word. On the contrary, it seemed to be quite well-kept for an abandoned house. The double take she had to do in order to make sure this was where they were supposed to be gave Arkved the time to approach the door.

“Uh...you know, this is kind of scary! I don’t want to..go in there?” At this point, Galina was trying to spare him any embarrassment.

“Oh don’t worry, I’ll protect you!” And with that, he disappeared inside. The shit she got herself into.

Following him into the dark house, she could almost immediately tell what the traveller had been talking about. From two separate rooms, she could hear the noises. As could Arkved, it seemed, as he was shaking like a leaf and jumped at every one of the sounds. This was her best chance. Speaking in a whisper, she leaned over to him, “Come on, it’s too haunted, there are too many ghosts in here. Let’s come back with guards.”

“But...no, no, I am--ah! I mean...I am fine.”

“Arkved, you’re shaking like you’ve been stripped naked in the middle of Winterhold.”

“I am not.”

“Yes. You are.”

“But….no, I am brave!” He raised his voice and immediately went to kick open the door.

What they saw inside was far more odd than even Galina had expected. 

From what she could tell, there were two massive, anthropomorphic animals inside with heads on their backs instead of their...well, heads. They also seemed to be bipedal, and had plastic eyes. From what she could make out, one was a cat and the other was a rabbit.

One of the animals in question, namely the cat, turned around and gave a decidedly un-catlike shout, and then she could hear footsteps charging. In a split second decision--almost as split as her ears after Arkved’s shriek--she grabbed the Altmer by the arm and  _ ran _ , with considerable help.

By the time they’d gotten back to the cabin, they were both sweaty, out of breath, and Galina seemed to be missing a boot.

Eventually, both of them got their bearings and made sure the crazy bipedal animals weren’t going to come for them. That was when Galina turned to Arkved the Detective and uttered four words she’d come to regret in the future,

“The  _ fuck _ was that?”


End file.
